TED英語演講：真正的強大
有多少人能夠正視自己的弱點，接受它，并且堅信即使這樣的自己不完美，但也值得被愛?比起如果把自己偽裝、硬撐得完美起來，接受自己的不完美，并承認那才是一切創(chuàng)造力、勇氣和革新的發(fā)源地，才是快樂的最簡單方式。下面是小編為大家收集關于TED英語演講：真正的強大，歡迎借鑒參考。
TED演講：真正的強大，是敢于面對那個脆弱而不完美的自己
演講稿
So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. And she called, and she said, "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer." And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant."
And I was like, "Okay." And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk is you're a storyteller. So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, "You're going to call me a what?" And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?"
I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." I tried to call deep on my courage. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that's what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe I'm just a storyteller. And so I said, "You know what? Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing."
So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- we're talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent.
And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year, I had a research professor who said to us, "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box."
And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work." And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the headand move it over and get all A's. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things that I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.
So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is --neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here.
So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, and one "opportunity for growth?"
And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.
So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?
The things I can tell you about it: It's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," --which, we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well.
You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research.
My one year turned into six years: Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. And I kind of got a handle on it. I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough.
There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belongingand the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better.So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way,and just looked at those.
What do these people have in common? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted." These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. What's the theme? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kidsbecause I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode.
And so here's what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others,because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity,they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.
The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable,nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing.They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.
I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown --
And it did.
I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening.
A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you, it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist."
I was like, "What does that mean?" And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. Don't bring your measuring stick."
I was like, "Okay." So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.
And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit.
"I just need some strategies."
Thank you. So she goes like this.
And then I said, "It's bad, right?" And she said, "It's neither good nor bad."
"It just is what it is." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck."
And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that.
For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.
And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability.Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No.
So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people. This is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.
And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- We are the most in-debt ... obese ... addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.
I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God.
You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.
One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. "I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up." That's it. Just certain.The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks.
Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow."
And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand,our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh." That's not our job. Our job is to look and say,"You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ... a recall. We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... "We're sorry. We'll fix it."
But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.
That's all I have. Thank you.
那我就這么開始吧：幾年前，一個活動策劃人打電話給我，因為我當時要做一個演講。她在電話里說： “我真很苦惱該如何在宣傳單上介紹你。” 我心想，怎么會苦惱呢? 她繼續(xù)道：“你看，我聽過你的演講，我覺得我可以稱你為研究者， 可我擔心的是，如果我這么稱呼你，沒人會來聽，因為大家普遍認為研究員很無趣而且脫離現(xiàn)實。” 好。然后她說：“但是我喜歡你的演講，就跟講故事一樣很吸引人。
我想來想去，還是覺得稱你為講故事的人比較妥當。” 而那個做學術的，感到不安的我脫口而出道：“你要叫我什么?” 她說：“我要稱你為講故事的人。" 我心想：”為什么不干脆叫魔法小精靈?“ 我說：”讓我考慮一下。“ 我試著鼓起勇氣。我對自己說，我是一個講故事的人。
我是一個從事定性研究的科研人員。我收集故事;這就是我的工作。 或許故事就是有靈魂的數(shù)據(jù)?；蛟S我就是一個講故事的人。于是我說：“聽著， 要不你就稱我為做研究兼講故事的人。”她說：“哈哈，沒這么個說法呀。”所以我是個做研究兼講故事的人， 我今天想跟大家談論的-- 我們要談論的話題是關于拓展認知-- 我想給你們講幾個故事是關于我的一份研究的， 這份研究從本質(zhì)上拓寬了我個人的認知， 也確確實實改變了我生活、愛、工作還有教育孩子的方式。
我的故事從這里開始。當我還是個年輕的博士研究生的時候， 第一年，有位研究教授對我們說： ”事實是這樣的， 如果有一個東西你無法測量，那么它就不存在。“ 我心想他只是在哄哄我們這些小孩子吧。 我說：“真的么?” 他說：“當然。” 你得知道我有一個社會工作的學士文憑，一個社會工作的碩士文憑， 我在讀的是一個社會工作的博士文憑，所以我整個學術生涯都被人所包圍， 他們大抵相信生活是一團亂麻，接受它。
而我的觀點則傾向于，生活是一團亂麻，解開它，把它整理好，再歸類放入便當盒里。 (笑聲) 我覺得我領悟到了關鍵，有能力去創(chuàng)一番事業(yè)，讓自己-- 真的，社會工作的一個重要理念是置身于工作的不適中。 我就是要把這不適翻個底朝天每科都拿到A。這就是我當時的信條。我當時真的是躍躍欲試。 我想這就是我要的職業(yè)生涯，因為我對亂成一團，難以處理的課題感興趣。我想要把它們弄清楚。我想要理解它們。我想侵入那些我知道是重要的東西把它們摸透，然后用淺顯易懂的方式呈獻給每一個人。
所以我的起點是“關系”。因為當你從事了10年的社會工作，你必然會發(fā)現(xiàn)關系是我們活著的原因。 它賦予了我們生命的意義。就是這么簡單。 無論你跟誰交流工作在社會執(zhí)法領域的也好，負責精神健康、虐待和疏于看管領域的也好我們所知道的是，關系 是種感應的能力-- 生物神經(jīng)上，我們是這么被設定的-- 這就是為什么我們在這兒。所以我就從關系開始。
下面這個場景我們再熟悉不過了， 你的上司給你作工作評估， 她告訴了你37點你做得相當棒的地方， 還有一點--成長的空間?(笑聲) 然后你滿腦子都想著那一點成長的空間，不是么。這也是我研究的一個方面， 因為當你跟人們談論愛情， 他們告訴你的是一件讓他們心碎的事。當你跟人們談論歸屬感， 他們告訴你的是最讓他們痛心的被排斥的經(jīng)歷。當你跟人們談論關系，他們跟我講的是如何被斷絕關系的故事。所以很快的--在大約開始研究這個課題6周以后-- 我遇到了這個前所未聞的東西它揭示了關系以一種我不理解也從沒見過的方式。 所以我暫停了原先的研究計劃，對自己說，我得弄清楚這到底是什么。它最終被鑒定為恥辱感。恥辱感很容易理解，即害怕被斷絕關系。
有沒有一些關于我的事如果別人知道了或看到了， 會認為我不值得交往。我要告訴你們的是：這種現(xiàn)象很普遍;我們都會有(這種想法)。
沒有體驗過恥辱的人不具有人類的同情或關系。沒人想談論自己的糗事，你談論的越少，你越感到可恥。滋生恥辱感的是一種“我不夠好."的心態(tài)--我們都知道這是個什么滋味： ”我不夠什么。我不夠苗條，不夠有錢，不夠漂亮，不夠聰明，職位不夠高。“而支撐這種心態(tài)的是一種刻骨銘心的脆弱，關鍵在于要想產(chǎn)生關系，我們必須讓自己被看見，真真切切地被看見。
你知道我怎么看待脆弱。我恨它。所以我思考著，這次是輪到我用我的標尺擊潰它的時候了。我要闖進去，把它弄清楚， 我要花一年的時間，徹底瓦解恥辱，我要搞清楚脆弱是怎么運作的，然后我要智取勝過它。所以我準備好了，非常興奮。 跟你預計的一樣，事與愿違。(笑聲) 你知道這個(結果)。我能告訴你關于恥辱的很多東西， 但那樣我就得占用別人的時間了。但我在這兒可以告訴你，歸根到底 --這也許是我學到的最重要的東西-在從事研究的數(shù)十年中。我預計的一年變成了六年，成千上萬的故事，成百上千個采訪，焦點集中。
有時人們發(fā)給我期刊報道，發(fā)給我他們的故事 -- 不計其數(shù)的數(shù)據(jù)，就在這六年中。我大概掌握了它。
我大概理解了這就是恥辱，這就是它的運作方式。我寫了本書，我出版了一個理論，但總覺得哪里不對勁 -- 它其實是，如果我粗略地把我采訪過的人分成具有自我價值感的人 -- 說到底就是自我價值感 -- 他們勇于去愛并且擁有強烈的歸屬感 -- 另一部分則是為之苦苦掙扎的人，總是懷疑自己是否足夠好的人。
區(qū)分那些敢于去愛并擁有強烈歸屬感的人和那些為之而苦苦掙扎的人的變量只有一個。 那就是，那些敢于去愛并擁有強烈歸屬感的人相信他們值得被愛，值得享有歸屬感。 就這么簡單。 他們相信自己的價值。而對于我，那個阻礙人與人之間關系的最困難的部分是我們對于自己不值得享有這種關系的恐懼，無論從個人，還是職業(yè)上我都覺得我有必要去更深入地了解它。所以接下來我找出所有的采訪記錄找出那些體現(xiàn)自我價值的，那些持有這種觀念的記錄，集中研究它們。
這群人有什么共同之處? 我對辦公用品有點癡迷，但這是另一個話題了。我有一個牛皮紙文件夾，還有一個三福極好筆，我心想，我該怎么給這項研究命名呢?第一個蹦入我腦子的是全心全意這個詞。這是一群全心全意，靠著一種強烈的自我價值感在生活的人們。所以我在牛皮紙夾的上端這樣寫道，而后我開始查看數(shù)據(jù)。
事實上，我開始是用四天時間集中分析數(shù)據(jù)， 我從頭找出那些采訪，找出其中的故事和事件。主題是什么?有什么規(guī)律? 我丈夫帶著孩子離開了小鎮(zhèn)，因為我老是陷入像杰克遜.波洛克(美國近代抽象派畫家)似的瘋狂狀態(tài)，我一直在寫，完全沉浸在研究的狀態(tài)中。下面是我的發(fā)現(xiàn)。這些人的共同之處在于勇氣。
我想在這里先花一分鐘跟大家區(qū)分一下勇氣和膽量。勇氣，最初的定義，當它剛出現(xiàn)在英文里的時候 -- 是從拉丁文cor，意為心，演變過來的 -- 最初的定義是真心地敘述一個故事，告訴大家你是誰的。所以這些人就具有勇氣承認自己不完美。他們具有同情心，先是對自己的，再是對他人的， 因為，事實是，我們?nèi)绻荒苌拼约?，我們也無法善待他人。 最后一點，他們都能和他人建立關系，-- 這是很難做到的-- 前提是他們必須坦誠，他們愿意放開自己設定的那個理想的自我 以換取真正的自我，這是贏得關系的必要條件。
他們還有另外一個共同之處那就是，他們?nèi)唤邮艽嗳酢Ｋ麄兿嘈抛屗麄冏兊么嗳醯臇|西也讓他們變得美麗。他們不認為脆弱是尋求舒適，也不認為脆弱是鉆心的疼痛 -- 正如我之前在關于恥辱的采訪中聽到的。他們只是簡單地認為脆弱是必須的。他們會談到愿意說出"我愛你"，愿意做些沒有的事情，愿意等待醫(yī)生的電話，在做完乳房X光檢查之后。他們愿意為情感投資，無論有沒有結果。他們覺得這些都是最根本的。
我當時認為那是背叛。我無法相信我盡然對科研宣誓效忠 -- 研究的定義是控制。然后預測，去研究現(xiàn)象，為了一個明確的目標，去控制并預測。而我現(xiàn)在的使命即控制并預測卻給出了這樣一個結果：要想與脆弱共存就得停止控制，停止預測于是我崩潰了 -- 其實更像是這樣。它確實是。我稱它為崩潰，我的心理醫(yī)生稱它為靈魂的覺醒。
靈魂的覺醒當然比精神崩潰要好聽很多， 但我跟你說那的確是精神崩潰。然后我不得不暫且把數(shù)據(jù)放一邊，去求助心理醫(yī)生。讓我告訴你：你知道你是誰當你打電話跟你朋友說：“我覺得我需要跟人談談。你有什么好的建議嗎?“ 因為我大約有五個朋友這么回答： ”喔。我可不想當你的心理醫(yī)生。”我說：“這是什么意思?“ 他們說：”我只是想說， 別帶上你的標尺來見我。“ 我說：”行。“
就這樣我找到了一個心理醫(yī)生。我跟她，戴安娜，的第一次見面 -- 我?guī)チ艘环荼韱?上面都是那些全身心投入生活的人的生活方式，然后我坐下了。她說：”你好嗎?“ 我說：”我很好。還不賴。“ 她說：”發(fā)生了什么事?“ 這是一個治療心理醫(yī)生的心理醫(yī)生， 我們不得不去看這些心理醫(yī)生， 因為他們的廢話測量儀很準(知道你什么時候在說真心話)。所以我說：“事情是這樣的。我很糾結。” 她說：“你糾結什么?” 我說：”嗯，我跟脆弱過不去。
而且我知道脆弱是恥辱和恐懼的根源是我們?yōu)樽晕覂r值而掙扎的根源，但它同時又是歡樂，創(chuàng)造性，歸屬感，愛的源泉。 所以我覺得我有問題，我需要幫助。“ 我補充道：”但是， 這跟家庭無關，跟童年無關。“ “我只需要一些策略。” 謝謝。 戴安娜的反應是這樣的。 我接著說：“這很糟糕，對么?” 她說：“這不算好，也不算壞。” “它本身就是這樣。” 我說：“哦，我的天，要悲劇了。”
果然發(fā)生了，但又沒有發(fā)生。大概有一年的時間。你知道的，有些人當他們發(fā)現(xiàn)脆弱和溫柔很重要的時候，他們放下所有戒備，欣然接受。(我要聲明)一，這不是我， 二，我朋友里面也沒有這樣的人。對我來說，那是長達一年的斗爭。是場激烈的混戰(zhàn)。脆弱打我一拳，我又還擊它一拳。 最后我輸了，但我或許贏回了我的生活。
然后我再度投入到了我的研究中，又花了幾年時間真正試圖去理解那些全身心投入生活的人， 他們做了怎樣的決定， 他們是如何應對脆弱的。為什么我們?yōu)橹纯鄴暝? 我是獨自在跟脆弱斗爭嗎? 不是。
這是我學到的：我們麻痹脆弱 -- (例如)當我們等待(醫(yī)生)電話的時候。 好笑的是，我在Twitter微博和Facebook上發(fā)布了一條狀態(tài)， “你怎樣定義脆弱? 什么會讓你感到脆弱?“ 在1個半小時內(nèi)，我收到了150條回復。 因為我想知道大家都是怎么想的。不得不請求丈夫幫忙， 因為我病了，而且我們剛結婚; 跟丈夫提出要做愛; 跟妻子提出要做愛;被拒絕;約某人出來; 等待醫(yī)生的答復; 被裁員;裁掉別人-- 這就是我們生活的世界。我們活在一個脆弱的世界里。 我們應對的方法之一 是麻痹脆弱。
我覺得這不是沒有依據(jù) -- 這也不是依據(jù)存在的唯一理由，我認為我們當代問題的一大部分都可以歸咎于它 -- 在美國歷史上，我們是欠債最多，肥胖，毒癮、用藥最為嚴重的一代。問題是 -- 我從研究中認識到 -- 你無法選擇性地麻痹感情。你不能說，這些是不好的。 這是脆弱，這是悲哀，這是恥辱，這是恐懼，這是失望，我不想要這些情感。我要去喝幾瓶啤酒，吃個香蕉堅果松餅。我不想要這些情感。
我知道臺下傳來的是會意的笑聲。別忘了，我是靠“入侵”你們的生活過日子的。天哪。 你無法只麻痹那些痛苦的情感而不麻痹所有的感官，所有的情感。你無法有選擇性地去麻痹。當我們麻痹那些， 我們也麻痹了歡樂，麻痹了感恩，麻痹了幸福。 然后我們會變得痛不欲生，我們繼而尋找生命的意義，然后我們感到脆弱，然后我們喝幾瓶啤酒，吃個香蕉堅果松餅。危險的循環(huán)就這樣這形成了。
我們需要思考的一件事是我們是為什么，怎么樣麻痹自己的。這不一定是指吸毒。 我們麻痹自己的另一個方式是把不確定的事變得確定。宗教已經(jīng)從一種信仰、一種對不可知的相信變成了確定。我是對的，你是錯的。閉嘴。就是這樣。只要是確定的就是好的。我們越是害怕，我們就越脆弱，然后我們變得愈加害怕。
這件就是當今政治的現(xiàn)狀。探討已經(jīng)不復存在。對話已經(jīng)蕩然無存。有的僅僅是指責。你知道研究領域是如何描述指責的嗎?一種發(fā)泄痛苦與不快的方式。我們追求完美。如果有人想這樣塑造他的生活，那個人就是我，但這行不通。因為我們做的只是把屁股上的贅肉挪到我們的臉上。這真是，我希望一百年以后，當人們回過頭來會不禁感嘆：“哇!”
我們想要，這是最危險的，我們的孩子變得完美。讓我告訴你我們是如何看待孩子的。從他們出生的那刻起，他們就注定要掙扎。當你把這些完美的寶寶抱在懷里的時候，我們的任務不是說：”看看她，她完美的無可挑剔。“而是確保她保持完美 -- 保證她五年級的時候可以進網(wǎng)球隊，七年級的時候穩(wěn)進耶魯。那不是我們的任務。 我們的任務是注視著她，對她說， “你知道嗎?你并不完美，你注定要奮斗，但你值得被愛，值得享有歸屬感。”
這才是我們的職責。給我看用這種方式培養(yǎng)出來的一代孩子，我保證我們今天有的問題會得到解決。我們假裝我們的行為不會影響他人。不僅在我們個人生活中我們這么做，在工作中也一樣 -- 無論是緊急救助，石油泄漏，還是產(chǎn)品召回 -- 我們假裝我們做的事對他人不會造成什么大影響。我想對這些公司說：嘿，這不是我們第一次牛仔競技。我們只要你坦誠地，真心地說一句："對不起，我們會處理這個問題。“
但還有一種方法，我把它留給你們。這是我的心得：卸下我們的面具，讓我們被看見， 深入地被看見， 即便是脆弱的一面; 全心全意地去愛， 盡管沒有任何擔保 -- 這是最困難的， 我也可以告訴你，作為一名家長，這個非常非常困難 --帶著一顆感恩的心，保持快樂哪怕是在最恐懼的時候哪怕我們懷疑：”我能不能愛得這么深? 我能不能如此熱情地相信這份感情? 我能不能如此矢志不渝?“ 在消極的時候能打住，而不是一味地幻想事情會如何變得更糟，對自己說：”我已經(jīng)很感恩了，因為能感受到這種脆弱，這意味著我還活著。“
最后，還有最重要的一點， 那就是相信我們已經(jīng)做得夠好了。因為我相信當我們在一個讓人覺得“我已經(jīng)足夠了”的環(huán)境中打拼的時候 我們會停止抱怨，開始傾聽，我們會對周圍的人會更友善，更溫和，對自己也會更友善，更溫和。
這就是我演講的全部內(nèi)容。謝謝大家。
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